I was in ecstasy. I had met someone who was showering me with attention and compliments every day. I got to feel alive once again. I was spending more time in front of the mirror and taking longer to get ready. He knew exactly what to say and we were getting along really well. The fact that he was going to show me how to earn my dream income was a cherry on top.
I knew he was married and his wife was living in the US. It had always been his dream to move to California and he was treating every single meeting as an opportunity to let us know how this business opportunity was getting him one step closer to his dream every day. He was selling hope to people like me; those who wanted to be somebody but saw themselves too far from their goals. It was success made easy. A one-time $99 start-up fee and an ongoing expense of $28/month was all. Being so insecure at the time, I sure as hell would buy hope at that price.
I showed up to every single meeting for 4 for months without missing one. I even made the introductory presentation a couple of times. I got to attend one of the quarterly meetings that was held in a nice hotel downtown. The goal was to invite as many people as possible. I remember calling almost everyone in my contact list to get them to come out and support me. It was certainly the most awkward task I’d ever done in my life. We were told to invite people without telling them any details of what we’re doing. We were advised to be as vague as possible. And it was close to impossible to get people to give up their Sunday morning sleep to show up to a meeting you were mysteriously reluctant to give details about. Some shut me down right away; some accepted at first but canceled later and some just didn’t show up. Looking back, I’m glad I did all that. It made me leave my comfort zone; so much that I lost my way back!
4 months into the business and I hadn’t still earned anything. But that wasn’t what that turned me off. It was when he almost confessed his love for me right before one of the meetings. He told me how he was having second thoughts about leaving; he told me how he had never cared for anyone this much without being sexually involved with her and how he wished he had met me earlier. I felt sick to my stomach when he announced how excited he was because he had booked his flight to spend the next 2 months in California in the meeting right after. I wasn’t too naïve not to know that people lie sometimes; but coming across someone who says something one second and changes his word in another without feeling any guilt was new to me. Very new!
I was filled with disgust and mistrust. However, I attended all the meetings till his last day just to “show” how much I don’t care whether he lives or stays and how I can handle my feelings. All I could hear was blah. Everything they said sounded so materialistic and fake. Everything they argued seemed like a fallacy. I couldn’t take it anymore.
At the time when I was first introduced to this MLM company I was working in a coffee-shop. This was a huge insecurity for me because I had finished grad school and I had failed to find a job in my field. I had told everybody that I was looking and they were asking me how the job hunting was going every single time they saw me. I was truly frustrated with having to answer that question the same way every time and try to change the subject right away. Same thing applied to going on dates. I was looking for a way out. My self-esteem was suffering. Less than a week ago, my family had performed an intervention; saying how hard it was for them to see me working in a coffee-shop while holding a Master’s degree.
One of my father’s co-workers happened to be a representative at this company and he invited him to meet their Regional Vice President (RVP). He was literally in love this RVP and had asked my dad for a while to meet with him. He finally agreed to do so and went in for an overview of what they’re doing. When my father came home, he briefly mentioned what he understood from the meeting and gave me the business card the RVP had handed to him. My father suggested I give him a call and see for myself if I’m interested. A couple of weeks later I picked up the phone and dialed the number. He didn’t answer. I tried him a couple more times, no luck. A few hours later he called me back. So I told him I wanted to meet up and find out more. He sounded pleasant and open. We agreed to meet up in a coffee-shop at 7:30 pm.
I finished work at 7:00 pm and headed to the coffee-shop that was located downtown. I looked great, but was a bit nervous. I got there 10 mins early, he arrived 15 mins late. We started talking about general things. We seemed like a really fun guy. He asked me so many questions. He asked me about my background, education, future goals, whether I was married or not, and my dream income. He was amazing at making everything about me and not him. He left a positive first impression without even having to tell me a bit about himself. He didn’t say much about the business. He discussed their unique business model saying how it’s in his financial interest and anyone who’s above me in the hierarchy to help me become successful; because they will override me. He said in such environment there would no room for jealousy. Everyone gets prompted based on performance and they don’t have to kiss up to work their way up. You make $1000 working 3-4 hours with a client and you don’t have to pay taxes on what you earn. He said I was 6 months away from being an RVP myself and earning my dream income. I told him that I was new in town and I didn’t know too many people. He said that wouldn’t be an issue since he was going to teach all I needed to know to succeed. It was hard not to trust him. It was hard to deny the connection we had; and connection was a biggie to me. Our meeting stretched until 10:30 pm. It felt more like a date than an interview; an exciting one. He said he should play match maker and introduce me to his cousin. He offered to walk me to the bus stop because it wasn’t safe. On the way, he asked about my love life; made jokes and eventually hugged me goodbye. On my way back home, I got a text from him saying his back hurts from the hug he gave me because I was too short. I got butterflies.
To be continued…
Human mind and body have a natural tendency towards balance. They respond to excessive amounts of anything that they’re exposed to by building some degrees of resistance to them; be it excessive cold or heat, abusive substances, or those motivational speakers who invite you to live a stress-free positive life.
I remember the first time I was introduced to the power of positive thinking; it was when the movie “The Secret” had come out. The idea seemed fascinating to me and I couldn’t help myself but believe that this powerful secret was going to change my life for good. I used to catch myself thinking negative thoughts from time to time; getting scared thinking what if I end up attracting these thoughts. The concept that had initially excited me was becoming exhausting. So my defense mechanism kicked in and I stopped consciously monitoring my thoughts 24/7. I also remember the first time I watched one of Nick Vuijcic’s talks on YouTube. I was deeply touched. For a couple of weeks, I was working extra hard towards my goals and then expectedly, I sobered up.
In the past few years, I’ve followed many of these success coaches and motivational speakers online. Even though they never had a permanent influence on me to go after my goals, they used to temporarily stimulate me into doing more and better. Recently though, they seem to have lost their power; I don’t get pumped up anymore. It seems like the excessive exposure to success material might backfire. The novelty might wear off. I’m thinking it might be time to bring on a revolution to human psychology!
As much as I’d love to keep positive about my love life, the universe keeps on giving me reasons not to. More often than not, I’m not attracted to those who like me and get attracted to those who can’t be mine. Yes, the typical emotionally unavailable guys. I’ve done my research on this and have read my share of online articles. After I ended up breaking up with the guy that I thought I truly loved, I was spending all day reading how-to-get-him chase-you-again crap. Ironically, I had no intention of getting back together with him. More than anything though, I wanted to find out where things went wrong. That was almost two years ago and as excruciating as it felt, I learnt how to let go. I’m now aware that I’m attracted to the wrong type of men; I now know that I need to be more cautious with my choices in men. I need to work on myself; find out what’s holding me back. But that’s another story for another time. What I’m most curious about at this very moment is why those who are attracted to me usually share some common traits. They’re really loving and caring but not in the most confident way. I mean, they’re really nice and all but it’s not from strength. They come off too strong and in most cases seem to me as creepy. They think long-term and don’t want to let go. They’re not out there to hook up and run; but they’re clingy and make me feel like I want to stay single for the rest of my life. There’s no chemistry, no fun, no excitement. It’s just disastrous. But why is that? Is it me? Is it them? Is it fate? Please not be.
Today, I came across this article online about procrastination and felt really related to it. Well, I didn’t get a chance to get through the whole thing because it seemed endlessly long. My phone was vibrating every few minutes due to all those accounts I’ve subscribed to on Tweeter. I had to resist the urge to check my Facebook account, email, and the online dating website I’ve signed up to. I knew I had to get my weekend shopping and cleaning done and I was totally stressed by how the clock was ticking and I wasn’t even half way through my to-do list. Ironically, I was procrastinating reading an article about procrastination while worrying about procrastinating the stuff that I had to do. As I am trying to write this right now, I had to stop and brush my teeth. At some point I even convinced myself to stop writing altogether and watch a movie instead. The logic being nobody likes reading about my personal problems.
According to the article, the brain of the procrastinator is programmed to value instant gratification higher than future gains. She fails to recall the pain she had to go through doing so and she doesn’t feel threatened by the repercussions. In fact, she has spoiled her brain over the years that nothing feels more unpleasant than taking action. Then she distracts herself from the task at hand and focuses her attention on something unimportant; or splits it among a few. That’s when she’s in the dark playground. She’s playing but she doesn’t enjoy it because there’s guilt. She feels shameful. She’s not content. She even has remorse. She’s paralyzed though. She can’t get herself back on the right track. At least not until the panic attack monster appears. The panic attack monster appears when there’s someone over her shoulder to give her a deadline. Then she finds no choice but to take action; she waits until the last minute though; and that’s why she can never give her best.
Every fiber of my being relates to this. I’ve been discontent with myself since I stepped foot in college. I’d always been an straight A student before college. I was a last-minute person but it used to work. I remember how once I had to know a fairly long poem by heart as homework and how I managed to memorize it in recess. I even recall a time when I stayed up all night and studied for a history final exam from a book that I had never even opened. I got the highest mark. I was smart and I was well aware of it. My intelligence was counterpoising my procrastination. But as I got older intelligence alone seemed not be enough anymore. And I didn’t know what the missing factor was. Then soon I started losing the trust I had in myself. I thought to myself maybe I’m not that smart after all. My self-image changed drastically. My confidence was gone with the wind. And I had no clue what had gone wrong. Today, it all started making sense. I’m still not sure where to begin; but I know I need to re-program my brain. They say you can’t change your destination overnight, but you definitely can change your direction.
You may find the article here.
1. Breast [brest] n.
Anatomy, Zoology . (in bipeds) the outer, front part of the thorax, or the front part of the body from the neck to the abdomen; chest.
Example: De-stress your breasts.
2. Chest [chest] n.
Anatomy . the trunk of the body from the neck to the abdomen; thorax.
Example: Give that chest a rest.
3. Tit [tit] n.
Slang: Vulgar. a breast.
Example: Calm your tits.
4. Boob [buːb] n.
Slang: Sometimes Vulgar. a female breast.
Example: Soothe your boobs.
5. Bust [buhst] n.
the chest or breast, especially a woman’s bosom.
Example: Adjust your bust before it combusts.
6. Tatas [tataz] n.
the female breasts.
Example: Hakuna your tatas.
When you come home to your favorite food| When you make someone laugh| When the temperature is above zero in January| When it rains in July| When a baby waves at you| When you laugh so hard until your stomach hurts| When you accidentally hear a song that reminds you of good old memories| When you can’t help but dance to music| When you’re done with your work-out| When you pass your last exam| When you defend your thesis| When you finish a drawing| When he says he loves your perfume| When you get a text from an old friend you’ve been missing for a while| When you make a killing presentation| When you dress up| When you go on a girls night out| When you help an old lady carrying her grocery bags| When you hold the door for the person behind you and he turns out to be hot| When you find out he has a crush on you| When you find out he loves you back| When you get butterflies |When you go on the scale and you notice you’ve lost weight |When your Facebook status gets so many likes |When someone you didn’t expect likes your profile picture |When your investments do well |When you get a raise |When you ace an interview |When you feel proud of yourself |When people come to you and only you for their problems| When you love what you do |When people appreciate what you do |When your sheets smell nice | When you successfully toss the paper ball in the trash can| When you hold the elevator for someone| When you finally get to pee because the person before you took so long| When you’re alone in the house and you can fart as loud as you want| When you’re alone and you can dig your nose for treasure| When you’re alone and you can scratch your private parts| When you’re alone and you can lay down naked after shower| When you take a cold shower | When you talk to an old friend and realize how much you’ve changed| When you find old pictures somewhere on your hard drive| When you wake up from a dream about something you’ve always wished for |When you finish a puzzle | When you know stuff by heart | When you can speak another language |When your blog gets a lot of visitors
When it’s time to stop daydreaming and go back to work!